Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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