I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
