I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
