That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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