i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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