At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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