I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
