There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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