My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
