Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
