i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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