It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
