Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
