So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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