That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
