There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
