Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
