I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
