I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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