I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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