Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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