You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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