the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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