Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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