She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So much rum. So many feels.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
