Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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