I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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