sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I enjoy the company of your penis
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