how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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