recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
