4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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