two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
how does that bad decision feel?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
