UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
