so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
