sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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