i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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