I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
