Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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