i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
