I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
