I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
