I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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