Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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