My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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