Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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