The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
