I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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