I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
