I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
