Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
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