I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
