i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
