some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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