Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
