Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
